Merry Christmas and A Happy Downsizing to You!
Author Unknown (forwarded to me by a friend)

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal 
of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other 
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
     
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North 
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home 
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's 
market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion 
of the profit picture.
     
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a 
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved 
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard 
Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no 
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen 
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been 
cited and received unfavorable press.
     
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be 
disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. 
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier 
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from 
substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and 
never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made 
by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year 
when he is known to be under executive stress.
     
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the 
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. 
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take 
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
     
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to 
be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging 
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
     
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost 
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not 
 be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.
     

 The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves 
 the French.
     
 The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail 
 system, with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to 
 determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they 
 talked.
     
 The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. 
 Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative 
 implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other 
 precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks 
 appear to be in order.
     
 The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be 
 afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg 
 per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three 
 geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by 
 personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets 
 will be a good one.
     
 The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better 
 times. The function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on 
  order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes 
  and therefore enhance their outplacement.
     
  As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy 
  scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being 
  sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no 
  upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to 
  try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
     
  Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will 
  be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the 
  steps.
     
  Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the 
  expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation 
  Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work 
  congressmen.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the 
  savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed 
  congressmen this year.
     

  Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of 
  the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a 
  cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will 
  drop right down to the bottom line.
     
  We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, 
  animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that 
  stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop 
  ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
     
  Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking 
  expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a- 
  suing") - action is pending.
     
  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be 
  necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the 
  Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to 
  see if seven dwarfs is the right number.