The Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

SONG — SIR JOSEPH

SONG  —  SIR JOSEPH

	When I was a lad I served a term
	As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
	I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
	And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
		I polished up that handle so carefullee
		That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He polished, etc.

	As office boy I made such a mark
	That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
	I served the writs with a smile so bland,
	And I copied all the letters in a big round hand—
		I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
		That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He copied, etc.

	In serving writs I made such a name
	That an articled clerk I soon became;
	I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
	For the pass examination at the Institute,
		And that pass examination did so well for me,
		That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!
CHORUS. — And that pass examination, etc.

	Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
	That they took me into the partnership.
	And that junior partnership, I ween,
	Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
		But that kind of ship so suited me,
		That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — But that kind, etc.

	I grew so rich that I was sent
	By a pocket borough into Parliament.
	I always voted at my party's call,
	And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
		I thought so little, they rewarded me
		By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He thought so little, etc.

	Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
	If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
	If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
	Be careful to be guided by this golden rule—
		Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
		And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

SONG--MAJOR-GENERAL

          I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
          I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
               historical
          From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
          I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
               mathematical,
          I understand equations, both the simple and
               quadratical,
          About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
          With many cheerful facts about the square of the
               hypotenuse.

ALL:      With many cheerful facts, etc.

GENERAL:  I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
          I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
          In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:      In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:  I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
               Caradoc's;
          I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
               paradox,
          I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
          In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
          I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
               Zoffanies,
          I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
               Aristophanes!
          Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
               din afore,
          And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
               Pinafore.

ALL:      And whistle all the airs, etc.

GENERAL:  Then I can write a washing bill in
               Babylonic cuneiform,
          And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
          In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:      In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:  In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
               "ravelin",
          When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
          When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
               wary at,
          And when I know precisely what is meant by
               "commissariat",
          When I have learnt what progress has been made in
               modern gunnery,
          When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
               -
          In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
          You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

ALL:      You'll say a better Major-General, etc.

GENERAL:  For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
               adventury,
          Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
               century;
          But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:      But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
          He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

http://diamond.idbsu.edu/GaS/pirates/libretto.txt