Pulpit Humor; Newspaper Headlines
Grant Deed
For the consideration above stated, grantor has given, granted,
bargained, sold, aliened, released, enfeoffed, conveyed, and confirmed, and by
these presents does give, grant, bargain, sell, alien, release, enfeoff, convey
and confirm unto grantee, and to his heirs and assigns forever, all that parcel
of land above described.
Together with all and singular, the houses, buildings, trees, ways, waters
profits, privileges, and advantages, with the appurtenances to the same
belonging or in anywise appertaining, and the reversion and reversions,
remainder and remainders, rents, issues, and profits thereof; also, all the estate,
right, title, interest, property, claim and demand whatsoever, of the grantor,
either in law or equity, of, in, and to the above described premises, with the
hereditaments and appurtenances.
To have and to hold, all and singular the above-described land and
premises, with the appurtenances, unto grantee, his heirs and assigns, to the
only proper use, benefit, and behoof of, grantee, his heirs and assigns forever.
[7 Am. Jur. Legal Forms 2d 87:22 (1972, Supp. 1986).]
There have even been accusations of tautology amongst the faithful.
If a man would, according to law, give to another an orange, instead of
saying -- "I give you that orange," which one should think would be what is
called in legal phraseology "an absolute conveyance of all right and title
therein," the phrase would run thus: -- "I give you all and singular, my estate
and interest, right, title, claim, and advantage of and in that orange, with all
its rind skin, juice, pulp and pips, and all right and advantage therein, with
full power to bite, cut, suck, and otherwise eat the same, or give the same away
as fully and effectually as I the said A.B. am now entitled to bite, cut, suck, or
otherwise eat the same orange, or give the same away, with or without its rind,
skin juice, pulp, and pips, anything hereinbefore, or hereinafter, or in any
other deed, or deeds, instrument or instruments of what nature or kind
soever to the contrary in any wise, notwithstanding."
Even title deeds, those most venerated of documents, have been described by
Lord Westbury as being "difficult to read, disgusting to touch,
and impossible to understand."
Ancestor worship in the form of ritualistic pleadings has no more disciples. The time when a slip of a sergeant's quill could spell death for a plaintiff's cause of action is past. Under Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, a complaint is not an anagrammatic exercise in which the pleader must find just exactly the prescribed combination of words and phrases." Thompson v Allstate Insurance Co. 476 F.2d 746, 749 3d Cir 1955 (per Judge John Minor Wisdom) {399}
"...[Punishment]...meted out by the chancellor in 1596 who "decided to make an example of a particularly prolix document filed in his court. The chancellor first ordered a hole cut through the center of the document, all 120 pages of it. Then he ordered that the person who wrote it should have his head stuffed through the hole, and the unfortunate fellow was led around to be exhibited to all those attending court at West Minster Hall." Gordon v Green, 602 F.2d 743 (5th Cir. 1979) {401}
"Our principal task in this diversity of citizenship case is to determine what the New York courts would think the California courts would think on an issue about which neither has thought". Friendly, j in Nollan v Transocean Airlines {CP293}
From: [email protected] (cdn) Stolen from a post in another newsgroup: These are actual newspaper headlines .... 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing -- Chuck [email protected] [email protected]
Pulpit humor -- Actual announcements taken from Church Bulletins:
1. Don't let worry kill you . . . let the church help.
2. Thursday night, potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4 p.m., there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, -Put me in my little bed- accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with -Little Drops of Water-. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be -What in Hell?- Come early and listen to our choir practice.